I’ve heard that people get weird around pregnant ladies, and I certainly know from blogging about feminist issues that American society tends look at pregnant women as communal property of sorts – be it restricting abortion rights, criminalizing pregnant women, or just seeing women as straight up incubators. But wow, experiencing it first-hand sure is a trip! I’m quite sure I’m not the first pregnant lady to note these, but just a couple of things…
- Stop touching my stomach without my permission. It’s presumptuous and it creeps me out. You wouldn’t touch a non-pregnant person’s belly without asking, so what makes you think it’s okay to just lay hands on mine? I know you probably mean well and are excited about the baby and all, but please just ask first. (Especially because there’s no socially acceptable way for me to tell you to stop without sounding like a killjoy.)
- Please don’t comment on how small or big I’m carrying for how far along I am. It’s weird enough having your body change in such dramatic ways without having strangers tell you that you’re not normal. (I’m talking to you, bra-store lady! Your skeptical frown after I told you I was 6 months and comment that I’m way too small was not helpful nor welcome. I’m nervous enough about shit as it is.)
- Consider the fact that I am more than my pregnancy status and like to talk about things that aren’t pregnancy-related. I am an interesting person outside of carrying this baby – I promise! I have a life! And shit going on that doesn’t involve cribs, baby showers, nipples and diapers! Let’s talk about those things. (Yes Mom, that means you too.)
- Whether I use cloth or disposable diapers, whether I’m doing a home or hospital birth, or whatever other “charged” topics you’re asking about are really none of your business. (Unless we’re buddies and talking about said issues, of course.) Yes, I write about feminist stuff and maybe I’ll write about those one day too. And I’m totally flattered that you’re interested in my opinion about certain subjects in the general sense. But I’m also a person who is not very interested in justifying every pregnancy/birth/parenting decision I ever make with a long political explanation. I can paint my daughter’s room bright pink and line it with sparkly tiaras and – while it might be odd and out of character – it would still be a personal decision that you don’t need to know about.
Sigh. That feels better.
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76 Comments
Sheesh, when my best friend was pregnant I wouldn’t even touch her belly or ask. I can’t imagine walking up to a perfect stranger and doing that. It is nice that not all women want to talk incessantly about the impending baby. Maybe you should hand out leaflets to people when they do this stuff!
Ha, srsly! The thing is, it’s hard because obviously people are just excited for you – this is especially true when it comes to family. So I feel like a real asshole being pissed off about it – but it IS a really intimate place to touch someone without permission and it really does feel like a violation of personal space to me. There’s no winning I guess…
How about stop telling me what I can and can’t eat or drink. Sheesh. Apart from people anxious to remind me that herbal tea / smoked salmon / facials (yes! even facials according to one acquaintance) are off limits, at a recent picnic, I even noted a beer bottle bearing the helpfully unambiguous image of a pregnant lady with a red cross through it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Oh man. I’ve never been pregnant, but most likely I will be one day, and the idea of ANYONE touching my belly without permission creeps me out. I might just wear a “Do not touch” maternity t-shirt everyday.
First, Jessica, congratulations!
Second, I am so on board with this post. Being around a few pregnant ladies in my office, I have often found myself shocked at the liberties taken with their personal space and private business; touching the belly, interrogation about names, dates, weight, etc.etc. I love the idea of a community welcoming a child into the world, but in the modern office environment? No thanks. A woman’s pregnancy is not something everyone gets to stake a claim to, just because it seems obvious or she’s made it obvious that’s she’s pregnant.
On top of that, I can’t stand feeling pressured to behave this way myself towards pregnant ladies and babies in general. It’s demeaning to everyone involved! The men in my office don’t get dragged into showers and gifts and “come look at the adorable child!” so why should I if I don’t want to participate?
Ewww. I am not looking forward to that someday. I may just throw all propriety to the wind and tell people I’m carrying a squid, diaper choices don’t matter since I’ll be putting it in a tank anyway, and please don’t touch, as it tends to get agitated and has many tentacles.
@Fiona – YES! It’s so bizarre. It’s like, yeah dude I understand you heard it’s bad to eat soft cheeses or whatever, but I’m pretty sure I can handle deciding whether to munch on that goat cheese.
@officepersonalspace Thanks! And totally agree with both – enforced cooing over someone’s kid when you just want to get on with your day is way annoying.
@Caitlin LOL! Srsly, I was telling Andrew (husband) that the next time a stranger does it I’m just going to deadpan “It’s a tumor.” Terrible, I know but I’m seriously at that point.
Oh and it’s also none of your business if this is my first, third, or 7th lol. The status of my reproductive organs and my future plans for birth control are none of your business!
Just needed to add that! For some reason being pregnant makes complete strangers forget you are an actual human person.
Cheers from one pregnant feminist (3,5 mo) to another! Thanks for writing this, reading it made me feel so much better
Only last weekend an excited middle-aged man touched my hardly-there belly at a party… One addition to your list, in line with the why-all-anyone-talks-to-me-is-baby-stuff: please stop giving me baby-related presents and cute shit, for b-day or x-mas or any other reason at all.
Loved your book about the double standards, BTW. Have you considered writing smth like Musings of a Pregnant Feminist? Would be a bestseller!
Great post!
I think the belly touching is right up there with people touching my Afro…and I’m mean, so I tend to let my killjoy response to that insulting mess fly (wink). My experience has been as an over 35 person who has no children…and good Gawd, if I had a dollar for every time someone jumped all up in my bitness to urge me to have children (no, I’m not joking) I’d be set for life.
Something about this issue brings out the worst in people.
I hate it when people do that!!! I don’t understand how my cousin who is 7 months pregnant and HUGE doesn’t slap a person’s hand away because people are ALWAYS doing it, i get so annoyed for her lol. BTW you’re 6months pregnant?! How did i miss that?! CONGRATS!!
Next time someone touches your belly without permission, touch theirs. See how that goes.
Congratulations, Jessica! I’m so excited for you and Andrew!
I’ve never been pregnant, but have had enough friends go through the experience that I’ve considered sewing a hand buzzer onto a shirt, so that the belly-toucher would get an electric shock.
My stepmother snapped when pregnant with my little brother after too much uninvited stomach touching. Someone she didn’t know at work came up, rubbed her belly, and said very cheerfully, “How are we doing today?” So my stepmother just reached out and rubbed the woman’s belly. “We’re fine, thanks. How are you?”
I work at a OB-GYN office, so the stories I hear about people touching belly’s and “helpful hints” (“oh you’re a runner? Good luck pushing that baby out naturally!”) are enough to enfuriate me. I’m definately a fan of the touch-their-stomach idea.
And congratulations!
I’m 9 mo & 3 days pregnant. I would add one more: *My name is not “preggo” or “pregnant.”* A couple co-workers keep addressing me. I’ve said, “Who? I’m still ‘spyral’,” but I want to say, I” haven’t given up my name or identity just because I am expecting, but thanks for reducing me to my current physical state.”
touching the belly – that never ever happened to me, not once when I was pregnant last year. I was expecting it, but never. I had decided that it was a previous-generational thing, but I guess not. Maybe NY vs. SF? anyways, good rant.
My cousin’s last pregnancy was quite complicated, and high risk. As a devout Christian, she looked at anyone touching her pregnant belly as “laying hands” on her unborn child, and the questions they asked as positive, loving prayer. It was an interesting perspective to take, but one I enjoyed. I really liked touching her belly. And since I was given the go ahead to touch within reason, I took it.
But with out knowing what the mother-to-be wants, it’s always best to ask, or just to assume “no.”
My sister recently gave birth. She says that one of the most frustrating things during the pregnancy was the endless stream of unsolicited advice she kept getting from people. Friends, colleagues, casual acquaintances, and strangers kept telling her what she needs to eat, that she shouldn’t drink coffee or alcohol (she wasn’t but they felt they needed to inform her about that anyways), that she should start thinking of quitting her job and “rest” at home, that she should choose a different method of giving birth, that she shouldn’t buy a breast pump, etc.
My sister is a powerful and high achieving business woman. She couldn’t understand why even people who knew her very well would start treating her like an incapable child once they discovered she was pregnant. This was driving her crazy. She kept saying: “This is still me! Don’t people see that I’m still the same person!”
Congratulations, and welcome to it — this lasts for the rest of your life. The belly touching ends, but the unsolicited advice just keeps on coming!
My personal favorites were all the people asking me if I was having twins. AND THEN upon telling them that no, I was just that huge, asking, “Are you sure?”
You might want to stay at home, or otherwise avoid the general public, in those last few weeks if you don’t want to waste most of your breath explaining to people that childbirth doesn’t involve anything “popping”. Seriously, I could have written this blog. Thank you for doing it instead.
I hope you have an empowering, positive birth experience, whatever you choose to do!
Congats, Jessica!
And I simply do not understand the whole idea of touching strangers w/o their permission. It’s not really on the same level, but I have a shoulder tat that peeks out of some of my shorter sleeve shirts and folks seem to think it’s perfectly acceptable to grab my shirt sleeve & lift it to see the tattoo.
I don’t have a problem with folks seeing it, or asking about it or whatever. I just really don’t like it when a strange man (or woman) touches me in an elevator (or any other place)!
it amazes me how people think they have the right to touch your body or try to tell you what to eat. I feel like society has infantilized pregnant women more than ever.
I never want babies, but good luck with your pregnancy. You’re gonna be a great mom, Jessica!!
@Katie
This is exactly what I told my pregnant friend to do. She’s not even showing yet and the only way anyone knows she’s pregnant is if they’re told, but a friend of her sister meeting her for the VERY first time at a cookout over the weekend came up to her and just started rubbing away! My friend was very pissed off and creeped out, so I told her when people start doing it more often, rub their bellies right back. It shows them how weird it is to have your belly rubbed and embarrasses them without you even having to take the time to explain it all to them. And they’ll think twice about doing it to any other pregnant women. Win.
Jessica, You’re probably at least peripherally aware of this, but the judgment and community conversation about you as a parent are only just beginning. I’m sure you’ll blog a lot about this in the next months and years, but becoming a parent really apparently is a signal to society in general that everything you do is now right or wrong, on a whole new level. That said, welcome to the parent-club
It’s fun.
Jessica,
Love this post! I am the mom of 3 and the worst thing about being pregnant is having everyone comment on your body size! People are always critquing women’s sizes of course, but during pregnancy, even the usuals who hold back (your own family, feminist friends, husbands of girlfriends, and of course strangers) feel like its Ok to assess your size, loudly and publicly– with the caveat IF YOU ARE SMALL! Just wait until after you have the baby, if you return quickly to your normal weightm people will not shut up about how small you are. Now that I have three kids, actually, people seem to think its always OK to comment on my body size becuase I don’t look like I have 3 small kids. What teh hell does that mean? I often am covered in food and wear little make up and forget to brush my hair, so I can only imagine they are referring to my size. I think the size thing is why teh tabloids are obsessed with pregnant women, before baby & after– its an excuse to comment and judge women by their body sizes.
I had a multitude of ways planned to fend off would-be belly touchers when I was pregnant last year. But it never happened. Not once. I had to wonder if it was my physical bearing that caused people to stop and think: I’m 5’10″ and, at the height of pregnancy, was well over 200lbs. As a woman who is slightly taller than the average man, there weren’t that many people who could look at me like a cute little thing to be taken care of. Now I want to do a research study about whether taller-than-average women get hassled less during their pregnancies than smaller-than-average women.
@Clarissa re: She couldn’t understand why even people who knew her very well would start treating her like an incapable child once they discovered she was pregnant.
OMG! This is my BIGGEST pet peeve of all time!! I hate seeing my friends who are amazingly capable and brilliant be brought down by docs and everyone else being so condescending to them about their choices or acting like they know so much better than them.
Jessica, may you have a fabulous time being pregnant (despite the weirdos touching you and offering unsolicited advice) and a positive birth experience!
Word. When my husband was pregnant he was spared the belly-touching from strangers (oddly, people do not assume fat men are pregnant…) but /everything/ else applies. And oh, the advice. Endless advice. Endless warnings. Endless pronouncements about their treasured One True Way. And once our son arrived, it just got worse.
The only real upside is that some of it makes for very, very funny stories. And that having a kid, while exhausting, is also fucking awesome. All best of luck to you and your family.
I ever decide to have biological kids, I fully intend to rig a joy buzzer to wear on my belly, in case someone gets the bright idea that being pregnant means I consent to having my personal space violated by perfect strangers.
I touched my cousin’s belly without asking. I was really sorry and embarrassed that I did that.
There was like a magnet in my hand or something.
I think if I ever get pregnant I’m gonna carry around an air horn in a purse. Then when anyone either touches me without permission or starts policing what I do I can pull it out and blow it at them and say, “BAD HUMAN! Be respectful of other people’s personal space/competency/autonomy.”
Jessica – I understand your desire to keep your choices regarding your pregnancy, birth, and the way you will raise your child, private. I also more than respect that you do not owe the world explanations about your choices. As a feminist who struggles with whether to have children and how to raise them – and as a woman who is frankly terrified of the entire process (both physically and emotionally), I hope that someday you WILL write about these things. I would be so interested in learning how you made these decisions, if you have concerns or misgivings, etc., to help me normalize my own concerns and thoughts. I think there are great feminist communities available for the childfree, but that maybe, as feminists, we women making family decisions, and that feminists with or considering children don’t have the same benefit of community.
At my work, my office is next to the door, which meant that every staff member and every consultant felt free to stop by and waste my time to chat about my pregnancy. I eventually put up a tongue in cheek sign on my door with FAQs and helpful hints: Due date, please don’t mention my size or speculate about early/late & no gifts! That way, when an uninvited person came over to chat, I would apologize and say, “I’m really busy, so I don’t have time to chat but I think all your questions will be answered here.” It was frustrating, because I really love my job and felt that I had a ton to do but I had to think of ways to keep my staff and others away from me. Also, I felt like other mothers LOVE to use this as an excuse to tell me their horror stories, which is definitely not helpful.
Great post! I’m just starting to show and really don’t want anyone to touch my belly. I think that saying something as simple as “stop that” is way more acceptable than someone invading your personal space and touching you without your permission. Don’t worry about what they think for you telling them to stop, obviously they don’t care what you think.
I’m getting the unsolicited advice already. Ugh, I don’t need 5 people reminding me to take prenatal vitamins, especially right after I just told them about the pregnancy. I don’t need the reminders about alcohol, or caffine, or the 15 other things they think I should or shouldn’t do. I don’t tell them how to live their life.
I agree with most of what is posted here, although a lot of it just seems like common sense to me, that is, trying to imagine oneself in the other person’s situation. Of course, as a man, I would not touch a woman’s belly for any reason without asking first. I imagine, and the comments seem to bear this out, that most pregnant women are sick to death of everybody making a big deal about their pregnancies, so I probably wouldn’t even ask, unless maybe she had already invited people to gather around and feel the baby kick.
Obviously, I have no pregnancy advice to give, since I have never been pregnant (nor has my wife of 42 years, as far as we know). Back when I was young, friends used to tell me one of the worst things about being pregnant for the first time was listening to older women tell horror stories about other people’s pregnancies, usually no one they actually knew, but their niece’s roommate’s cousin, or some such. Apparently that is still true today. How inconsiderate!
@Miss B re: Jessica, may you have a fabulous time being pregnant (despite the weirdos touching you and offering unsolicited advice) and a positive birth experience!
Hear, hear! If it makes you feel any better, Jessica, 30 or 40 years ago, the unsolicited advice would have included how to feel about the pubic-hair shave and gallon-size enema that were part of every hospital delivery back in the bad old days, not to mention then having it actually happen to you. I doubt anyone ever thought that contributed to a positive birth experience.
This is my second pregnancy, and when people touch my stomach and talk about my “belly,” I point out that they are really groping my uterus. I also reach out and touch their bellies. I find that people generally back off. Luckily, not too many people reach out to touch me.
Be prepared for the “horror stories,” which people tell for some reason which is beyond me (my uncle told me some story about some lady he knew and I said “oh, thanks for telling me that” sarcastically and he thought for a moment and said “yeah, I don’t know why I did.” People just don’t think).
More than that are the people who say stupid shit about how crappy parenting is – “enjoy your sleep now because you won’t be getting any soon!” “sure, they arrive all precious and then turn into teenagers!” The people you should listen to are the ones with babies and small children. Those friends of mine with small kids and babies were the only ones who would look me in the eye and say “it;s the best thing I’ve ever done and I can’t imagine my life without her/him” and they completely meant it (incidentally, it’s true!).
Oh, and if you ever do decide to address pregancy/motherhood publically, that’d be awesome too! I have felt lonely in the feminist world as a pregnant lady and now mother, like I’m a traitor or something.
Love this post. I have a 6 week old son and we didn’t have a car until the very end of my pregnancy. I rode my scooter up through my ninth month. I got an unbelievable amount of shit over it from coworkers. My OB told me that as long as I wasn’t having any issues with balance, it was my decision. I wore a helmet, gloves, boots, etc every time I got on it. But people insisted on harassing me about it daily. One of my coworkers even said that my husband needed to “man up” and “do right by me,” meaning, I guess, to forbid me from the bike and buy a car. I got to the point where any time someone would even bring it up, I told them they weren’t qualified to offer me medical advice unless they had the initials M.D. after their names.
And the sex of the baby stuff… Christ. The comments I got when I said I was having a boy were really upsetting to the point where I cooled off towards some people I’d previously considered friends. Girl babies are horribly devalued and no, it did not please me or make me proud to have people comment positively about my son to the detriment of other people’s daughters.
One thing that irked me during my pregnancy (this mostly applies to my first 20 weeks) was people asking me “how I’m feeling” I felt fine overall but it’s like people were expecting me to feel awful 24/7, but once the first trimester ended (and with it the morning sickness and fatigue) I felt awesome!
Congratulations, and thank you for the post.
I plan to wait until after a graduate degree of some kind to have a kid(s), but my fiancee and I have already discussed some about the pregnancy and childrearing process, and this is one of the big ones–I am terrified of pregnancy because I am afraid of it being disempowering rather than a joyful time in my life where I can celebrate a new life and stuff. I don’t want to lose my entire personhood inside my reproductive functioning! I worry about the unsolicited advice and the touching and the complete lack of privacy. I think I am looking forward to the horror stories the least, and I can say for sure that anyone who touches my belly uninvited will get yelled at and possibly slapped!
That being said, I hope that you or someone who has had a similar experience will be willing to write about being a feminist while pregnant. I would absolutely love to read it.
I hear you Jessica !! I thnk the bellytouching is a US phenomenon. The first time someone went to do it to me I jumped back with such a start !!! I just told everyone in no uncertain terms there was to be know belly touching or talking to the bump (for God’s sake people!)
In addition I was pulled for eating sushi (I’m sure Japanese moms do), got the “are you sure it isn’t twins???” or “are you due like, tomorrow???” (are you sure YOU aren’t carrying a baby in YOUR big ass!@!) etc etc etc etc. In addition another unique thing is the sharing of the birth story. This is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever come across.
The whole situation is so very cliched. What everyone should be talking about is the lack of paid maternity and paternity leave, the disparity among the states, the dismal performance of the US when stacked up against other nations when measuring how they value the pregnant or new parents. Not the pink versus blue debates, singing to my belly, or reaching in to rub it (still makes me squeamish to this day !!!)
I know it may seem silly, but one of the things that has bothered me the most is maternity clothes. Why must maternity suits have bows on them? Since when would it be acceptable for me to wear bows on my suits otherwise, especially in court, etc.?
And why must I be banned suddenly from the normal ‘women’s’ section of stores, but instead be relegated to the baby/children’s section? I know many people think it’s simply because the stores want you to be tempted by baby stuff at the same time, but I always feel like it has more to do with the way society views pregnant women. We’ve suddenly been relegated back to child status and require everyone to constantly treat us in that way.
Luckily I haven’t had too many people touch the belly or give too much unsolicited advice. I only have two months to go, so cross my fingers that the lack of intrusion into my personal life continues in that way.
I certainly NEVER touch a pregnant woman’s belly … but I am often at a loss for what to say when an acquaintance or co-worker someone brings up their own or someone’s pregnancy. Now I am even more aware of what I don’t know! What are OK things to say? I normally say something as non-descript as possible like, “Congratulations, when are you due?” Or, “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl.” Maybe that is even troublesome? Normally, I just try to move the conversation to the next topic, but is that offensive? I do not plan on ever being pregnant. None of my friends have had any children either … so any suggestions would be welcome.
I hated the belly-touching and other invasions when I was pregnant, with a freaking passion. One of the first people to do it to me was an extremely independent, individualistic female sociology professor at my university- I was so shocked, I thought she’d be the last person to do that!
Now my son is 4, and one of my very good friends is pregnant. The last time I saw her she was showing significantly more than I’d ever seen her before. I couldn’t believe it, but I actually felt a very strong urge to reach out and touch her belly! I most certainly DID NOT do it, but I was surprised enough that I even felt like I wanted to.
I don’t know what to conclude from this, and nothing excuses the invasion. I just figured I’d share that I’ve somehow been on both sides of the interaction.
Jessica- First, I had no idea, congrats!
Second -Thank you for paving the way! My husband and I recently decided that we would begin trying to get pregnant in the next year and having your experience to look to is a great relief.
The only times I have ever touched a pregnant belly were at the express invitation of the mother. I have never even asked, just a couple of times a pregnant friend has said “Hey, the baby is moving, want to feel?” I am mining the comments for pithy combacks and other tactics to maintain my personhood though gestation.
The phenomemon of people always telling birth horror stories is so odd to me. I always combat it by telling the absolute best case story. My friend who was born in less than 3 hours with no intense pain or pushing, she just sort of emerged. Her mom was in a full leg cast at the time!
It is a natural urge to touch a pregnant woman. We are geared to protect our young. The need to protect a bond and protect a pregnant woman is part of that. However, we have many urges that we think about before doing. There are times that are appropriate to follow urges and times that are not.
People loved touching my pregnant stomach. I told them not to. I did take to rubbing the stomach of people who touched mine with out asking. It quickly got the message across.
As far as people telling you what to eat, how to act and what is good and not good in pregnancy it’s just practice when you are a mom. Brace up. Everyone has an opinion. My way of handling it was simple. I have discussed it with my doctor and I am healthy and fine. Did you know the most dangerous thing for a expecting mom is stress? (it is) Please don’t add to mine. The only questions I got after that was Are you happy? How is the baby doing? and how crazy is your huband? ( so crazy I considered moving out during the pregnancy!!!)
People are concerned that is good! what would a society be like if we didn’t care about each other? Especially our future. Those babies are our future! Be happy that they care, let them know you have it handled. Then move on.
The belly touching thing has always confused me. Working as a Massage Therapist I see a few pregnant women for prenatal massage every month. Even then (perhaps especially then, because of the specific boundaries set up in the therapist/client relationship – heaps of communication about what is acceptable and comfortable for everyone) I will specifically ask the woman if she would like me to massage her abdomen. The abdomen, on most, is an extremely private-space type area and I would assume this would be more so when a woman is pregnant.