I’ve heard that people get weird around pregnant ladies, and I certainly know from blogging about feminist issues that American society tends look at pregnant women as communal property of sorts – be it restricting abortion rights, criminalizing pregnant women, or just seeing women as straight up incubators. But wow, experiencing it first-hand sure is a trip! I’m quite sure I’m not the first pregnant lady to note these, but just a couple of things…
- Stop touching my stomach without my permission. It’s presumptuous and it creeps me out. You wouldn’t touch a non-pregnant person’s belly without asking, so what makes you think it’s okay to just lay hands on mine? I know you probably mean well and are excited about the baby and all, but please just ask first. (Especially because there’s no socially acceptable way for me to tell you to stop without sounding like a killjoy.)
- Please don’t comment on how small or big I’m carrying for how far along I am. It’s weird enough having your body change in such dramatic ways without having strangers tell you that you’re not normal. (I’m talking to you, bra-store lady! Your skeptical frown after I told you I was 6 months and comment that I’m way too small was not helpful nor welcome. I’m nervous enough about shit as it is.)
- Consider the fact that I am more than my pregnancy status and like to talk about things that aren’t pregnancy-related. I am an interesting person outside of carrying this baby – I promise! I have a life! And shit going on that doesn’t involve cribs, baby showers, nipples and diapers! Let’s talk about those things. (Yes Mom, that means you too.)
- Whether I use cloth or disposable diapers, whether I’m doing a home or hospital birth, or whatever other “charged” topics you’re asking about are really none of your business. (Unless we’re buddies and talking about said issues, of course.) Yes, I write about feminist stuff and maybe I’ll write about those one day too. And I’m totally flattered that you’re interested in my opinion about certain subjects in the general sense. But I’m also a person who is not very interested in justifying every pregnancy/birth/parenting decision I ever make with a long political explanation. I can paint my daughter’s room bright pink and line it with sparkly tiaras and – while it might be odd and out of character – it would still be a personal decision that you don’t need to know about.
Sigh. That feels better.
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76 Comments
I /hated/ when people touched my stomach during my pregnancy. (The fact that I had morning sickness 24/7 and one of the triggers was people touching me didn’t help.)
One guy would NOT believe me when I kept telling him to stop. (His wife was pregnant and liked it, so he refused to believe that I didn’t feel the same way.)
I threw up on him.
He got the point.
Since my own pregnancy I’ve maintained that the only comment that is appropriate to make about a pregnant woman’s body is “You look great!” Honestly that’s probably the only reasonable comment to make about anyone’s body, but people tend to lose their good sense around pregnant women in our excitement.
Next time someone touches your belly, just yell, “OUCH!” That’ll make ‘em think twice about doing that to you or anyone else again.
Jessica, congrats. I concur with everything you’ve said, although I realize that for some people the urge to touch a pregnant belly is very strong.
Also, hate to tell you what you probably already fear: people will NEVER stop telling you shit about what to do with your kids. It begins during pregnancy and doesn’t seem to ever stop. Just tonight my next-door neighbor gave me a “if that was my kid, I’d….” about my son who was throwing a fit.
But every good thing has its price.
My wife was of course fine with friends wanting to touch her belly but I was amazed by the liberties strangers (men and women) felt free to take.
I got into a reproductive-rights discussion a few years ago, on Usenet, with a woman who genuinely could not understand why any woman would ever not want to be/get pregnant. She waxed rapturous about the endless joys of pregnancy — getting to “eat like a pig”, getting to wear “cute clothes” with balloons and ribbons and teddy bears on them, getting to shop for “cute baby clothes” … and that “total strangers will pat your tummy” as soon as you start to show. This, for her, was on the list of things that should reconcile an UNWILLINGLY pregnant woman to an UNWANTED pregnancy.
Thanks for writing this post!
It’s always creepy to see complete strangers start touching a woman’s belly without even asking.
I’ve had a similar experience (unwanted touching) when I shaved my head. Not that it’s the same thing, but I thought it interesting how people reacted to physical changes on a woman’s body and their justification for touching.
I love hearing you write about this, Jessica. In regards to the unsolicited advice/comments/horror stories people suddenly begin to inflict upon you when you are pregnant–they don’t stop when the baby is born. I am continually amazed at what comes out of people’s mouths, and my children are 6 and 2.
But my awesome pediatrician told me something last week that I am going to hold onto for its sheer brillienace. When I asked him if something regarding my toddler was okay, even though I knew it was, but people had kept commenting upon it, he launched into this, after assuring me that she was completely normal and fine. “That’s just people talking because they have a mouth.” I think that is the best quote ever, and I’ve been carrying it around with me every day with joy, because it really does cover it.
In regards to the belly touching, get this: pregnant with my first child, we traveled back east for a baby shower with the family. Not just one, but TWO separate people (my SIL and MIL), separately during this event, suddenly DROPPED TO THEIR KNEES in front of me and clasped my 7-month-pregnant abdomen with both hands, intoning things like “my baby, my baby”. **WTF***?!?!?
Picture tough woman me, just so completely dumbfounded and offended that I could do nothing but stand there and goggle.
I’m still angry about this, 7 years later.
Love this:
http://www.mama-is.com/private-sphere/
I’m right there with you! I’ve never been pregnant, but I played a pregnant woman in a play, and afterwords when I went out to mingle with the audience, still in costume, people kept coming up to me and touching and/or grabbing my pregnancy pad. WTF??? It wasn’t real of course, but if it had been, my blood pressure would have gone through the roof.
My brother and his wife just had their first child a few months ago. Now I hate to even be near them as their daughter is ALL they talk about (The pregnancy was the same), and yes, my mother does make it worse as well. I ahte seeing a million pictures of it on my phone everyday, but it’s better than seeing them so they can talk about every piece of clothing and how her diapers are… Just like when their wedding was happening it was all they (She) could speak about.
A good friend of mine who happens to wear (by my estimation) an E cup has this story that to this day makes me uncomfortable to imagine. She was in a restaurant and her underwire was starting to bother her. So she went to the restroom and was reconfiguring it with the minor discomfited grunting that accompanies any major readjustment A woman who had been washing her hands next to her made a face, patted her boob (YES, actually) and said something to the effect of “those last months are the hardest, aren’t they?”
She wasn’t pregnant and doesn’t have kids, and was at the time I think 17 or 18. To this day she is offended by what happened. Why in hell would anyone (a) assume you are pregnant and (b) think that it’s okay to touch ANY body parts because of said assumed pregnancy?
The Miss Manners solution to the problem of your abdomen being touched without your permission is to double over. But I think you’re justified in punching anyone who lays hands on you without permission in any circumstances.
Congratulations Jessica–I had my first baby 2.5 years ago and I always tell people that I’d NEVER experienced such extreme sexism in my life until I was pregnant. This included 3 years in a warehouse with comments like “Do you wanna fool around?” followed, on receipt of a negative answer, by “will you hold still while I do?” I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that the guy who said this had good comic timing and it was actually funny.
Anyway….
On the socially acceptable way to communicate not to touch your belly, I chose a physical response of a karate style block (see http://www.shitoryu.org/skills/blocks/gedan_barai.htm ), stepping back and striking the oncoming hand with my forearm with a verbal “no, you may not touch me” (not that the person asked, of course). I did this once, in a conference setting at a froofy foundation in front of a lot of people. I didn’t feel bad about it. The person (a woman) protested and wheedled that I was being unreasonable. I did not care. I told her that she had no right to touch my stomach and that she was being unreasonable. I don’t know if anyone there thought I was being over the top, but I haven’t experienced any negative repercussions.
I view deliberate unwanted touching as assault and feel totally justified in blocking it in that way. For this reason, I would feel creepy about responding by touching someone’s belly in return.
What would have been over the top would be to follow the block with a punch to her gut complete with a karate yell, which I did not do–but totally thought about
If the tall woman who wondered about the types of women who are touched is reading this, I’m 5’4″ in shoes, petite, very pale, and librarian looking–I have been described, to my dismay, as “prim.” I wonder the same thing, but I suspect that the female coding inherent in a pregnant belly trumps physical intimidation in terms of the kind of entitlement people feel to touch somebody.
And commenters are right that the increased sexism will keep on coming after the baby arrives in the form of the dreaded mommy wars and various helpful or judgmental comments you will continue to get regarding your parenting decisions. I mostly just listen and am often amused (occasionally horrifed).
Hey Jessica! Avid reader of feministing here . . . have you tried saying “No, thanks” when someone starts rubbing your belly? Most of the time they’ll say “No thanks for what?” and you say, “oh, I didn’t need a belly massage right now. I’ll let you know if I do.” They’ll be so embarrassed it’ll never happen again.
By the way – congratulations! And I agree with so many of the other writers – please do write a book about it someday!!
Those of you who down with confrontation should feel free to point out that that’s your distended uterus that people are palpating without permission.
*high five* Tell it like it is, girl!
My sister was pregnant last year, and she had to deal with things like this, especially the belly touching. Maybe pregnant women ought to carry around pamphlets with everything you wrote here, and hand them to strangers first thing when you met them so that they aren’t stupid about these things.
Holy Shit, I would absolutely FREAK OUT, if someone touches me without permisson, pregnant or not (but pregnany makes it even more annoying). What do they think!? That my baby’s a society item? ….
How about touching their belly as well – as long as it is not a person you think is really gross. You just rub their belly too and they’ll realise how strange it is being touched all of a sudden.
I’ve had both my FIL and a friend ask me to tell them when the baby’s moving, “so I can feel it.” Somehow, the baby never seems to move when they’re around.
Nobody was stupid enough to touch my stomach while I was pregnant (except my husband…and since he was a great deal of help in making it that large, I was ok with that).
Because I have no problem being confrontational with strangers who violate my personal space, I had the perfect line ready, though. Wait for it…
“At least his father bought me dinner before he felt me up.”
@Angela Gail — Agreed! I long ago ditched judgmental words and stick to “You look GREAT!” Not “too small” or “too big” or “OMG! You must feel awful! Look at you!” Pregnant women get so much negativity (“Wait until the end — it’s horrible! You’ll just want to die!”) that I go out of my way to only be positive and complementary. Why not?
Seriously – I wouldn’t even want to touch a stranger’s belly (given I’m sober and there’s no reason to do so and they’re not asking me to do it) – Pregnant or not!
Amen! I loved reading this. It makes me feel good knowing others feel the same way I do. I’m a first time pregnant mom and everyone keeps telling me how small I am carrying and how skinny I look. I dont think I have to apologize for not gaining weight on anything besides my belly and I dont wear very tight shirts so sometimes my tummy doesn’t show how big I really am. I am already terrified about my baby not being healthy enough but now I have to add other people’s rude comments to my stresses. Thank you for posting this =)
I agree so much. I am pregnant with my first child and not showing yet but my good friends all have at least one. I have heard all their stories of people violating their bodies. My best friend had a complete stranger come up to her and start rubbing her belly, so she reached up and started rubbing the lady’s cheek. The woman completely freaked out and was offended that she was touching her face. People are so stupid – as if a) my body is for your amusement or b) my child is your new puppy to pet! Seriously!
As for socially acceptable responses – I think slapping their hand away and some firm words along with a loud NO! are more than acceptable. It is the same thing we teach children to do when someone touches them – just because i am pregnant doesn’t mean that all the laws regarding harassment and violation don’t apply – it’s my body don’t touch me.
Thankfully when my pastor announced our pregnancy (with our permission first) to our church he warned everyone that if they touched me i’d punch them (he is my brother and knows me well) – no has even tried with out asking first so far.
I stepped away from some one that was about to touch my belly. I knew the person and know that she gets offended easily. So I tried to explain myself in an email. Her reply was that it was normal for others to touch Pregnant women and that they are touching the baby not my belly. She added that, I am pregnant and need to get use to others touching me. She pointed out that this is my first baby and she wants me to be aware of this. However, (not by her choice) she has never been pregnant and has never experienced others touching her. She tells me that I hurt her feelings by stepping back.
Basically she is telling me that I have no right to refuse some one to touch me because it is not me that they are touching, it is the baby and if I did not want to be touched I should not of gotten pregnant.
I think she needs to put her self in a pregnant woman shoes, I feel like dressing her up in a pregnant suit and send her to the mall to see if she changes her mind.
Thank you for not making me sign up for facebook just to leave a comment.